From the vault: November 18th, 2008
--
Today has become a monumental day. With the sunrise I forgave two people we have burned me. The first person I forgave was, well, myself. I forgave myself for letting his words come so easily, for letting his actions so deeply control mine, for waiting on the text message or phone call that never came, for letting myself fall in love with someone who isn't reciprocating it back at all.
Then, I forgave him for leading me on and for intentionally playing cards he knew it was not okay to play.
That said, it was not his fault that I fell in love, but it is his fault for not doing a better job to protect my heart. I would not think that anybody could see me devotion, but the one person who I wanted so badly to see it, did not.
I do not get why some days are so good with him but some days are so, so, so bad. So bad that I do not even want to be associated with him, but that is the problem. Slowly, people have started assuming that we are inseparable and it does not help that I think about him, still, every other minute of the day.
Now that I am moving forward and leaving my association with him, a new, vastly different pain has emerged from within the deepest parts of my soul. That pain being the pain of saying... goodbye.
Friday, January 29
Friday, January 15
Claiming to be a Jesus Loving Crew, but lacking the follow-through.
It's the early morning, just before sunrise and all I can think of is lost Love's surprises on this generation. The one that's staring me straight in the face with hearts full of ache and eyes straining for a hope they don't think don't deserve, but that they've earned without even knowing it. That's when I remember this:
He's got so many surprises. Some are so uniquely small we learn them once and forget their deep importance. Some are so amazingly obvious, we overlook them. Only when a miracle happens do we stop and thank Him. What's worse, we blame Him faster than if we turn on a flashlight if something devastating happens. We don't use that flashlight when we feel like we're in the light, but as soon as the darkness wraps itself around our vulnerabilities, we search for that lightsource. Why not just stay in that lightsource all the time. It's an amazingly simple concept, that I even forget it from time to time.
We claim to be a Jesus-lovin' crew, but we forget His beloved as soon as we leave the pew. We don't act right; playin' with sex and drugs, all night. Yet Sunday comes and comes and comes again. So we can act for the congregation, complete with a few amens. If we're really going to make a change, we've gotta lay the sins on His table. Gotta let Him heal us until we're able. Temptation is a horrible reality, but what is compared to the All Mighty? Oh my my, oh heck yes, we're Heaven bound, I won't let this generation settle for second best.
Tell me girl, what's more satisfying? Laying in your bed, legs spread wide, with your pride long since lost, just because society told you that it was the only road to acceptance? Or knowing that the Father loves you, His precious daughter, and sent His Son down to release you to Him?
Tell me addict, what's more addicting? That needle in your vein, that has now scarred your arm so greatly you can no longer wear a short sleeve t-shirt without feeling shame? Or knowing there's a permanent high within a beautiful place called Heaven, his name coincidentally being Most High?
Tell me hypocrite, what's more satisfying? Living out a falsified life in which you've created on a stage that's so messed up you've even lied to yourself? Or knowing that as soon as you truly follow the pathway built for you things all of a sudden will work themselves out?
I'm guilty of sin, we all are. I won't let myself be guilty of standing around and doing nothing anymore. I'm done going along with saying 'things will be fine'. Because they will never be fine if they don't know they need to be fixed. So I'll break people, I'll break them so hard they won't know how to pick themselves up. They'll hate me, but I won't care. Then I'll send them to God through Jesus. Then they'll wake up, realize, there is light on the otherside of the wall they've built between them and Love.
Now, I need to learn the art of breaking. Now, I need to be broken in a few aspects of my own life. God, I don't even know where to start. Let's just say the 'hypocrite' is deeply rooted in me. Now is the time to start that revolution.
He's got so many surprises. Some are so uniquely small we learn them once and forget their deep importance. Some are so amazingly obvious, we overlook them. Only when a miracle happens do we stop and thank Him. What's worse, we blame Him faster than if we turn on a flashlight if something devastating happens. We don't use that flashlight when we feel like we're in the light, but as soon as the darkness wraps itself around our vulnerabilities, we search for that lightsource. Why not just stay in that lightsource all the time. It's an amazingly simple concept, that I even forget it from time to time.
We claim to be a Jesus-lovin' crew, but we forget His beloved as soon as we leave the pew. We don't act right; playin' with sex and drugs, all night. Yet Sunday comes and comes and comes again. So we can act for the congregation, complete with a few amens. If we're really going to make a change, we've gotta lay the sins on His table. Gotta let Him heal us until we're able. Temptation is a horrible reality, but what is compared to the All Mighty? Oh my my, oh heck yes, we're Heaven bound, I won't let this generation settle for second best.
Tell me girl, what's more satisfying? Laying in your bed, legs spread wide, with your pride long since lost, just because society told you that it was the only road to acceptance? Or knowing that the Father loves you, His precious daughter, and sent His Son down to release you to Him?
Tell me addict, what's more addicting? That needle in your vein, that has now scarred your arm so greatly you can no longer wear a short sleeve t-shirt without feeling shame? Or knowing there's a permanent high within a beautiful place called Heaven, his name coincidentally being Most High?
Tell me hypocrite, what's more satisfying? Living out a falsified life in which you've created on a stage that's so messed up you've even lied to yourself? Or knowing that as soon as you truly follow the pathway built for you things all of a sudden will work themselves out?
I'm guilty of sin, we all are. I won't let myself be guilty of standing around and doing nothing anymore. I'm done going along with saying 'things will be fine'. Because they will never be fine if they don't know they need to be fixed. So I'll break people, I'll break them so hard they won't know how to pick themselves up. They'll hate me, but I won't care. Then I'll send them to God through Jesus. Then they'll wake up, realize, there is light on the otherside of the wall they've built between them and Love.
Now, I need to learn the art of breaking. Now, I need to be broken in a few aspects of my own life. God, I don't even know where to start. Let's just say the 'hypocrite' is deeply rooted in me. Now is the time to start that revolution.
March to You
I'm gonna march to You on bended knee
I'm gonna fall facedown towards the sky
I'm gonna shout your Praise to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
You take tears from unbelievers into Your palm
You take fears from the saints into your realm
Most of all, You put the me in me, and
More and more, I begin to fall...
For Your Kingdom, For Your Glory,
For Your Wisdom, For Your Revival,
and that's why I'm gonna... oh yes...
I'm gonna march to You on bended knee
I'm gonna fall facedown towards the sky
I'm gonna shout Your Praise to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
You place Your Intellect in questioning skeptics
You reveal Your Peace, even in this world so hectic
Most of all, You put the You in unique,
We're all just a brilliant rendition of Your technique
And I begin to fall...
For Your People, For Your Love Divine
For Your Many Steeples, For the way Your stars shine
and that's why I'm gonna... oh yes,
I'm gonna spread Your Word to all who can't read
I'm gonna take Your Love to the streets
I'm gonna live in Your Grace to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
I'm gonna fall facedown towards the sky
I'm gonna shout your Praise to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
You take tears from unbelievers into Your palm
You take fears from the saints into your realm
Most of all, You put the me in me, and
More and more, I begin to fall...
For Your Kingdom, For Your Glory,
For Your Wisdom, For Your Revival,
and that's why I'm gonna... oh yes...
I'm gonna march to You on bended knee
I'm gonna fall facedown towards the sky
I'm gonna shout Your Praise to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
You place Your Intellect in questioning skeptics
You reveal Your Peace, even in this world so hectic
Most of all, You put the You in unique,
We're all just a brilliant rendition of Your technique
And I begin to fall...
For Your People, For Your Love Divine
For Your Many Steeples, For the way Your stars shine
and that's why I'm gonna... oh yes,
I'm gonna spread Your Word to all who can't read
I'm gonna take Your Love to the streets
I'm gonna live in Your Grace to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
Wednesday, January 13
Absorption vs. Saturation
I was thinking about this concept the other day and I was stunned to see the deep theological importance of the two very scientific terms.
So here it is. Absorption is the concept of something fluid being temporarily absorbed by something. Let's use a sponge as an example. So, you clean up the spaghetti sauce on the counter with it. Now I suppose you could let it sit inside that sponge for a long time, you know, to mold and get all gross. Eventually however, you're going to want to rinse out that sponge. Case in point, even what you think gets absorbed into the sponge, gets washed out.
Now, let's look at saturation. The word is saturate. To be completely and totally full of one thing. If something is saturated, that means that there's no where for anything else to fit inside of it. Much like a towel that gets dumped into a bucket. Now, some people think that's absorption but here is where it's different. The spaghetti sauce just fills some space. The water has run out of space so the only place it has to go is drip away from the already saturated towel. It's run out of space to fill.
This is what a Christian walk should look like. We shouldn't strive for a temporary absorption that so much of the world is based upon today. The rinsing of that sponge represents the new start that happens every time repentance happens. We must look to saturate ourselves so fully that we cry Bible verses, that praying comes before eating, that laughing and loving are more important than hating, that we live to find every little hole in our beings and fill it with the Glory of God.
I could go on, but I think I've pretty much nailed it. So, come on, let's get saturated baby.
So here it is. Absorption is the concept of something fluid being temporarily absorbed by something. Let's use a sponge as an example. So, you clean up the spaghetti sauce on the counter with it. Now I suppose you could let it sit inside that sponge for a long time, you know, to mold and get all gross. Eventually however, you're going to want to rinse out that sponge. Case in point, even what you think gets absorbed into the sponge, gets washed out.
Now, let's look at saturation. The word is saturate. To be completely and totally full of one thing. If something is saturated, that means that there's no where for anything else to fit inside of it. Much like a towel that gets dumped into a bucket. Now, some people think that's absorption but here is where it's different. The spaghetti sauce just fills some space. The water has run out of space so the only place it has to go is drip away from the already saturated towel. It's run out of space to fill.
This is what a Christian walk should look like. We shouldn't strive for a temporary absorption that so much of the world is based upon today. The rinsing of that sponge represents the new start that happens every time repentance happens. We must look to saturate ourselves so fully that we cry Bible verses, that praying comes before eating, that laughing and loving are more important than hating, that we live to find every little hole in our beings and fill it with the Glory of God.
I could go on, but I think I've pretty much nailed it. So, come on, let's get saturated baby.
World of Plastic.
Written the 17th of January in the year of 2008. Still startlingly relevant two years later.
--
t doesn't get more real or more blunt that that. Sorry folks, I really just don't think that it is cool. I have truly decided that we live in a world of plastic. We live in a world where having clear skin means more than having a clean conscience. We live in a world where bigger assets (money, physical attributes, place in society) mean more than actually having a relationship based upon a deep love.
Plastic. It's so overrated once you know the beauty and the glory that is named God. After the day I was saved things were so much more whole in my life. I didn't have to worry about things. I could let me be me. Most importantly, I have someone who's always going to be there when I screw up. Sadly, that's more often than I'd like to admit. Joyfully, I know that each time I do, my savior is right there and He is ready to help me pick up the pieces and start walking again.
I'll agree, it's not an easy world to live in. On the other side, I believe that society has gone to new lows. New, depressing, sad, tragic lows. Worse? It's socially acceptable to get married, and then get divorced all within the same year. It's socially acceptable to sleep with more than one person. It's socially acceptable to get wasted every single night. It's socially acceptable that anti-religious people fight and win everything they challenge and when a religious person challenges them, they lose and quickly. It's socially acceptable to bash the name of God, yet when His people come to His defense, they get sidelined.
I'm not clean, I'll never be, but that doesn't stop me from trying to live as clean and wholesome a life as possible. But seriously, wake up America, this little game of superficial desires and fake relationships which end in two household families trying to "make it work for the kids" doesn't need to happen and it's crazy that it does.
You don't fall in love with someone and the fall out of love with them. God doesn't work like that. Now that's a biblical lesson worth reading again.
Don't be plastic when there's treasures untold just waiting for you.
--
t doesn't get more real or more blunt that that. Sorry folks, I really just don't think that it is cool. I have truly decided that we live in a world of plastic. We live in a world where having clear skin means more than having a clean conscience. We live in a world where bigger assets (money, physical attributes, place in society) mean more than actually having a relationship based upon a deep love.
Plastic. It's so overrated once you know the beauty and the glory that is named God. After the day I was saved things were so much more whole in my life. I didn't have to worry about things. I could let me be me. Most importantly, I have someone who's always going to be there when I screw up. Sadly, that's more often than I'd like to admit. Joyfully, I know that each time I do, my savior is right there and He is ready to help me pick up the pieces and start walking again.
I'll agree, it's not an easy world to live in. On the other side, I believe that society has gone to new lows. New, depressing, sad, tragic lows. Worse? It's socially acceptable to get married, and then get divorced all within the same year. It's socially acceptable to sleep with more than one person. It's socially acceptable to get wasted every single night. It's socially acceptable that anti-religious people fight and win everything they challenge and when a religious person challenges them, they lose and quickly. It's socially acceptable to bash the name of God, yet when His people come to His defense, they get sidelined.
I'm not clean, I'll never be, but that doesn't stop me from trying to live as clean and wholesome a life as possible. But seriously, wake up America, this little game of superficial desires and fake relationships which end in two household families trying to "make it work for the kids" doesn't need to happen and it's crazy that it does.
You don't fall in love with someone and the fall out of love with them. God doesn't work like that. Now that's a biblical lesson worth reading again.
Don't be plastic when there's treasures untold just waiting for you.
Zephaniah 3:17
Zephaniah 3:17 contains some of the most poetic and resonating words in Scripture in my opinion and my personal walk. The passage reads like this in the New International Version.
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
It doesn't get any more awesome than this. Well, He always finds a way to surprise me, but it is as beautiful to my ears as a perfect symphony. He is always with us, in every valley, on every mountain-top, in every flood, in every drought. He makes no move to leave.
On another subject, I mistyped a word I had written earlier today. The word was "relationships" but I accidentally typed "realationships." It got me thinking. I then questions. What does a "Real"ationship look like? I think it looks something like a chocolate cake with a touch of icing and a slightly imperfect filling that throws off the taste just a little amount. You see, it's got the superficial layer, it's got the depth layer, and it's got the secret layer. It represents the three levels of friendship. The acquaintance level, the friend level, and the best friend level. If you get to the middle layer you know more about them than their job and the car they drive. And if you get to that innermost layer, you've entered the world where the fault lie. Trust has been established. Secrets have been told. REAL has happened. It's actually wonderfully constructed. The social wiring God has designed in us. Go into your own circles and see just what I'm talking about. Find your healthy balance. Each of us has a different one of those. But all of us are wired to be together in fellowship and friendship with others.
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
It doesn't get any more awesome than this. Well, He always finds a way to surprise me, but it is as beautiful to my ears as a perfect symphony. He is always with us, in every valley, on every mountain-top, in every flood, in every drought. He makes no move to leave.
On another subject, I mistyped a word I had written earlier today. The word was "relationships" but I accidentally typed "realationships." It got me thinking. I then questions. What does a "Real"ationship look like? I think it looks something like a chocolate cake with a touch of icing and a slightly imperfect filling that throws off the taste just a little amount. You see, it's got the superficial layer, it's got the depth layer, and it's got the secret layer. It represents the three levels of friendship. The acquaintance level, the friend level, and the best friend level. If you get to the middle layer you know more about them than their job and the car they drive. And if you get to that innermost layer, you've entered the world where the fault lie. Trust has been established. Secrets have been told. REAL has happened. It's actually wonderfully constructed. The social wiring God has designed in us. Go into your own circles and see just what I'm talking about. Find your healthy balance. Each of us has a different one of those. But all of us are wired to be together in fellowship and friendship with others.
Trying to fit in... and not doing it.
I've noticed a painful reality about the generation I live in, you know, the eighteen through twenty-five year olds that are currently walking around the United States of America. On some level we're all begging to fit in, desperately clinging to that new fad, or that new band, or that new hairstyle in hopes that by doing that, somehow, just somehow, we'll fit in. You know what's funny? By trying so hard to fit in, they stand out, like sore thumbs. Instead of actually being passionate about their new phone, or that particular artists music, or that hairspray they use for that up'do, they're passionate based upon their level of acceptance. Instead of embracing the beauty of whatever it is, they've sunken to a new materialistic low. Quite frankly, it drives people away, far away, because they're busy saturating their lives with Cobra Starship or the Pussycat Dolls just because they think it'll get them into the popular crowd. They think taking shots on a darkened dance floor will lead them to feeling included, but when that bar tab arrives the reality sinks in that they just spent a whole lot of money trying to impress instead of really finding that acceptance. I can't believe I did it too... It makes me sick... I'm moving on though. I've got a lot of life to live, and dwelling on failed acceptance, isn't going to get me anywhere.
Sunday, January 10
One, Two, Three...
Don't stop...
I know it's just a dream...
Don't stop...
Kiss, touch,
One, two, three.
Let's make this our territory...
I can't ever be with you in reality
But take over my dreams...
I see you looking at me,
The beat of the music has me getting physical
I leave the club, vision of you still lingering
Don't stop...
I know it's just a dream...
Don't stop...
Kiss, touch,
One, two, three...
Race home to my bed, I lay my head down
Fall asleep into alternative reality
It's 3 am, I wake up screaming
Clutching the sheets, begging for release
Gotta see you just one more time
But I know if I do, I'm gonna cross the line
Don't stop, I know it's just a dream!
Don't stop, kiss, touch, one, two, three!
Take it to the limit, push my inhibitions...
I wanna feel you in the room
Close my eyes, just one more time...
Seeking what's wrong but feels so right
Living in sin can't be my new thing...
Cold sweat grips my body, I've got a fever
Just don't stop... don't stop...
One, two, three.
Hot breath on my neck...
You're one nightmare I don't wanna wake up from...
I know it's just a dream...
Don't stop...
Kiss, touch,
One, two, three.
Let's make this our territory...
I can't ever be with you in reality
But take over my dreams...
I see you looking at me,
The beat of the music has me getting physical
I leave the club, vision of you still lingering
Don't stop...
I know it's just a dream...
Don't stop...
Kiss, touch,
One, two, three...
Race home to my bed, I lay my head down
Fall asleep into alternative reality
It's 3 am, I wake up screaming
Clutching the sheets, begging for release
Gotta see you just one more time
But I know if I do, I'm gonna cross the line
Don't stop, I know it's just a dream!
Don't stop, kiss, touch, one, two, three!
Take it to the limit, push my inhibitions...
I wanna feel you in the room
Close my eyes, just one more time...
Seeking what's wrong but feels so right
Living in sin can't be my new thing...
Cold sweat grips my body, I've got a fever
Just don't stop... don't stop...
One, two, three.
Hot breath on my neck...
You're one nightmare I don't wanna wake up from...
Wednesday, January 6
Creeping Along.
It's too late to fight, you've already been dragged down into the fire
Where desire outweighs discipline
Where corruption flies along emotional suicide
You can't just get up and hide...
Keep creeping along, you keep drowning in the fire
Hands are shaking, feet are hesitant,
You know what you've gotta do,
You've gotta move along...
Don't you get it you're gonna die
Because you're gonna get caught in a desert fire you can't put out
You're creeping along, trying to find out how you belong
Trying to fill cracks in that destroyed fortress deep within your heart...
No one's gonna force you to change, baby, that's all you.
Baby it's all you.
Embrace reality, you're sinking faster than titanic's journey into the icy darkness
Let's go...
Here's your lifeline... stop creeping around...
Here's you salvation... no, it's not that cross 'round your neck...
It's here, within your heart. Feel my hand in yours.
Slowly tracing a path to your heart, we land...
Open your palm against your chest,
Come on stop creeping around...
I place my hand on top of yours
We feel the beat of your heart, and it's crying for open heart surgery
It's intensely damaged, you know what you've done...
You got caught creeping around.
I was willing to move on but your heart couldn't do it...
Baby you say I'm still your star, but I know that isn't the truth
I see you still creeping around
The monkey on your back, the dirty little night club lies...
Don't take me for a fool baby, I'm not a sweet little girl
I've got my own secrets, my own lies, my deceptions, and my walls...
It's human tendency.
Only with you did they start to fall, then when I saw you with her,
My heart cried out, not again...
You told me you were sorry, and to come to your side in your time of need
I gave you my best, and I was treated like trash...
You're fighting the line between faith and frivolity
You're fighting the line between conscious and coma
You made me so happy I could've died,
Now I'm looking at an empty bed, and a sunken head
Stop creeping around, admit it, admit what you are...
Stop creeping around, just let it out, you're not doing well...
I'm gonna walk away now,
You've hurt me one last time.
I'm out, gotta hit the club, dance floor fever is in full effect
Gotta dance, gotta cry, gotta find the next guy to break my heart,
Because I'm having a good time, now that you're gone.
You're a sinking ship with dangerous cargo...
Gotta stop creeping around you fool...
Where desire outweighs discipline
Where corruption flies along emotional suicide
You can't just get up and hide...
Keep creeping along, you keep drowning in the fire
Hands are shaking, feet are hesitant,
You know what you've gotta do,
You've gotta move along...
Don't you get it you're gonna die
Because you're gonna get caught in a desert fire you can't put out
You're creeping along, trying to find out how you belong
Trying to fill cracks in that destroyed fortress deep within your heart...
No one's gonna force you to change, baby, that's all you.
Baby it's all you.
Embrace reality, you're sinking faster than titanic's journey into the icy darkness
Let's go...
Here's your lifeline... stop creeping around...
Here's you salvation... no, it's not that cross 'round your neck...
It's here, within your heart. Feel my hand in yours.
Slowly tracing a path to your heart, we land...
Open your palm against your chest,
Come on stop creeping around...
I place my hand on top of yours
We feel the beat of your heart, and it's crying for open heart surgery
It's intensely damaged, you know what you've done...
You got caught creeping around.
I was willing to move on but your heart couldn't do it...
Baby you say I'm still your star, but I know that isn't the truth
I see you still creeping around
The monkey on your back, the dirty little night club lies...
Don't take me for a fool baby, I'm not a sweet little girl
I've got my own secrets, my own lies, my deceptions, and my walls...
It's human tendency.
Only with you did they start to fall, then when I saw you with her,
My heart cried out, not again...
You told me you were sorry, and to come to your side in your time of need
I gave you my best, and I was treated like trash...
You're fighting the line between faith and frivolity
You're fighting the line between conscious and coma
You made me so happy I could've died,
Now I'm looking at an empty bed, and a sunken head
Stop creeping around, admit it, admit what you are...
Stop creeping around, just let it out, you're not doing well...
I'm gonna walk away now,
You've hurt me one last time.
I'm out, gotta hit the club, dance floor fever is in full effect
Gotta dance, gotta cry, gotta find the next guy to break my heart,
Because I'm having a good time, now that you're gone.
You're a sinking ship with dangerous cargo...
Gotta stop creeping around you fool...
Sunday, November 29
I don't know
Like so much of my writing before this, I'm starting on yet another empty page. More importantly, and most critically, I'm also starting on a completely blank mind. So, we'll see if I can still write.
Lately, my life has been somewhat of a sad song. It's all because of some poor decision making of my own. I tried to be the strongest person I knew for the people around me. The tower of strength so to speak. While doing that I failed, yes, failed, to encounter my own decisions rationally and emotionally. I made some serious mistakes, and I broke a heart. My own. More importantly, I also let down my Savior. The one who paid the ultimate price. The one who died and rose again so that I may live on this earth as free from the bondage of my sin. Yet, in my fog, I totally disrespected Him. If there were ever a time in my life after salvation that I feel like I hit rock bottom. This would be it. From it stemmed this writing, a lyrical response to my salvation. Which now I know the true value of. Because of the rock bottom, I now know how strong and mighty He is and just how strong a sacrifice His life was for me. I am totally and completely shocked at my own behavior, but now is my chance for redemptions song to sing from my heart, carried on the breath of heaven...
Pandora-
It was a lazy Friday afternoon,
Just chilling listening to some Miley Cryus tune,
Then he called, the boy called,
Took my heart just one second to fall...
And say yes, yes, yes to Pandora
I should've been shouting Gloria
But I said yes, yes, yes to Pandora,
And away I went...
Driving in the pouring rain,
Accelerating a little bit faster to get to him,
My heart starts pounding, driveway in view,
The power of this stumbling block I never knew...
And I fell to Pandora
When I should have fallen, Hosanna!
And I fell to Pandora
When I should have fallen, Hosanna!
Took my hands, and said sweet things,
Turns out they were just above nothing,
My pulse raced, hands gripping the chair,
In my head I was made painfully aware...
That I needed to run away
But I stayed, etranced by my shame...
I should have run from Pandora
I should have screamed Hosanna
I should have sung out Gloria
I should have screamed Hosanna
Lately, my life has been somewhat of a sad song. It's all because of some poor decision making of my own. I tried to be the strongest person I knew for the people around me. The tower of strength so to speak. While doing that I failed, yes, failed, to encounter my own decisions rationally and emotionally. I made some serious mistakes, and I broke a heart. My own. More importantly, I also let down my Savior. The one who paid the ultimate price. The one who died and rose again so that I may live on this earth as free from the bondage of my sin. Yet, in my fog, I totally disrespected Him. If there were ever a time in my life after salvation that I feel like I hit rock bottom. This would be it. From it stemmed this writing, a lyrical response to my salvation. Which now I know the true value of. Because of the rock bottom, I now know how strong and mighty He is and just how strong a sacrifice His life was for me. I am totally and completely shocked at my own behavior, but now is my chance for redemptions song to sing from my heart, carried on the breath of heaven...
Pandora-
It was a lazy Friday afternoon,
Just chilling listening to some Miley Cryus tune,
Then he called, the boy called,
Took my heart just one second to fall...
And say yes, yes, yes to Pandora
I should've been shouting Gloria
But I said yes, yes, yes to Pandora,
And away I went...
Driving in the pouring rain,
Accelerating a little bit faster to get to him,
My heart starts pounding, driveway in view,
The power of this stumbling block I never knew...
And I fell to Pandora
When I should have fallen, Hosanna!
And I fell to Pandora
When I should have fallen, Hosanna!
Took my hands, and said sweet things,
Turns out they were just above nothing,
My pulse raced, hands gripping the chair,
In my head I was made painfully aware...
That I needed to run away
But I stayed, etranced by my shame...
I should have run from Pandora
I should have screamed Hosanna
I should have sung out Gloria
I should have screamed Hosanna
Monday, October 26
The Heart Scars
You whisper coldly into my ear
Sending shivers, feeling too familiar
Breath on my neck, hot, sweet breath
I don't know what kind...
But it makes an everlasting memory...
The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
Your melody along the keys
Drives me to the verge of insanity
You touch my shoulder, my heart races
You slide your fingertips down to mine
You come to chorus, confessing your sin
As you begin...
The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
The addictive refrain you sing
Pushes me towards the verge of delirium
You build the chords, speeding through time
Wanting more than the music is willing
More than the spirit contains...
Lost in the passion, the chorus of desire
You continue to assault the keys of my heart
Through the the movements of your fingers
The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
The rhythm you carry,
Brings me to my knees unwillingly
Tracing, racing, bracing for a reality
Once unrealized, cruel brutality
You've weakened me, drawn me in
Placed kisses upon my virgin skin
I want to let go, I want to give in
Your sweet, sweet melody...
Has brought upon you an unhallowed sin
The way the heart scars and scars, but you don't ever stop
The way the soul cries and cries, but you don't ever think twice
The way my arms bled and bled, bled for the shame I felt
As you took me into your melody
As you played a sweet melody
As you tortured my soul
You knew you had power, you knew you had control.
Bodies shifting, the moonlight dancing upon our skin
You make me do things I don't want, yet I can't get enough
I tell you "no", tears cascading from my eyes
You see the fear and it only persuades
The melody to come faster
I plead again "please, please, no", shaking in shame
You step back, the melody fades
The chords become sad and forgiveness they beg
You grab me suddenly, the chords booming again
You kiss me, the waves crashing upon the keys
You let me go, begin to say...
I don't give you a chance, I run away...
The way my heart scarred over you...
The way my soul cried for relief of you...
The way my arms bled because of you...
Yet I still can't help but be drawn in,
Your rhythm intoxicating, your chords perfectly arranged,
Your melody enchanting, your attractiveness never left
But like every good song, this one's reached its end
You've never come back, but you and your melody
Are forgiven.
Sending shivers, feeling too familiar
Breath on my neck, hot, sweet breath
I don't know what kind...
But it makes an everlasting memory...
The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
Your melody along the keys
Drives me to the verge of insanity
You touch my shoulder, my heart races
You slide your fingertips down to mine
You come to chorus, confessing your sin
As you begin...
The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
The addictive refrain you sing
Pushes me towards the verge of delirium
You build the chords, speeding through time
Wanting more than the music is willing
More than the spirit contains...
Lost in the passion, the chorus of desire
You continue to assault the keys of my heart
Through the the movements of your fingers
The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
The rhythm you carry,
Brings me to my knees unwillingly
Tracing, racing, bracing for a reality
Once unrealized, cruel brutality
You've weakened me, drawn me in
Placed kisses upon my virgin skin
I want to let go, I want to give in
Your sweet, sweet melody...
Has brought upon you an unhallowed sin
The way the heart scars and scars, but you don't ever stop
The way the soul cries and cries, but you don't ever think twice
The way my arms bled and bled, bled for the shame I felt
As you took me into your melody
As you played a sweet melody
As you tortured my soul
You knew you had power, you knew you had control.
Bodies shifting, the moonlight dancing upon our skin
You make me do things I don't want, yet I can't get enough
I tell you "no", tears cascading from my eyes
You see the fear and it only persuades
The melody to come faster
I plead again "please, please, no", shaking in shame
You step back, the melody fades
The chords become sad and forgiveness they beg
You grab me suddenly, the chords booming again
You kiss me, the waves crashing upon the keys
You let me go, begin to say...
I don't give you a chance, I run away...
The way my heart scarred over you...
The way my soul cried for relief of you...
The way my arms bled because of you...
Yet I still can't help but be drawn in,
Your rhythm intoxicating, your chords perfectly arranged,
Your melody enchanting, your attractiveness never left
But like every good song, this one's reached its end
You've never come back, but you and your melody
Are forgiven.
Sunday, October 18
The old me still resounds within me.
I was cleaning out my room and came across an old journal and this particular (among a few others I'll be posting throughout the coming weeks) struck me.
Dated: September 19th, 2005
The skies are overcast and the smell of freshly cut grass invades my senses. So many walks of life surround me. Some painfully rich. Some painfully just making ends meet. Some old, some just on the brink of growing up. Different colors of skin. Different accents on their tongues. Strangely though, they're all like me. Human, and just trying to fit in. Girls with long hair and twelve dollar tubes of lip gloss, and guys in their dark rinse jeans, dark glasses, and cornrows. Each having something to offer from fashion tips to religious music choices to the best new recipe out there. I scream diversity and turn heads. After all, I'm just like them. Just trying to fit in.
Dated: September 19th, 2005
The skies are overcast and the smell of freshly cut grass invades my senses. So many walks of life surround me. Some painfully rich. Some painfully just making ends meet. Some old, some just on the brink of growing up. Different colors of skin. Different accents on their tongues. Strangely though, they're all like me. Human, and just trying to fit in. Girls with long hair and twelve dollar tubes of lip gloss, and guys in their dark rinse jeans, dark glasses, and cornrows. Each having something to offer from fashion tips to religious music choices to the best new recipe out there. I scream diversity and turn heads. After all, I'm just like them. Just trying to fit in.
Thursday, October 8
The feel of Glass hearts.
Have you ever felt as if your heart was glass? So fragile. So intricately laced. Lately, mine has felt interestingly complete. Just days ago it felt as if I was shattered. Still dealing with close family friend deaths, family deaths, and a friend passing away, I had lost central sight of who I was, where I was, and what was around me. In a sense I had become numb to everything. I still am skating on that line a little I think. Making very sure I don't trip the alarm. The people around me have been so comforting, loving, and truthfully if it weren't for them, I'd still be sobbing in my sleep.
I guess what I'm saying in the midnight hours tonight is that instead of my heart looking like this:
It looks like someone who lives a blessed life. I am so thankful.
I guess what I'm saying in the midnight hours tonight is that instead of my heart looking like this:
It looks like someone who lives a blessed life. I am so thankful.
Friday, October 2
Silence Follows.
Silence follows the broken hearted
Silence haunts the shattered lives...
Live in loudness cascading all around,
Teach the world to sing in all the storm.
Where would we be without a little song in our heart?
Where would you be without the loving embrace of chords in stereo?
Silence follows the ones who break hearts
Silence haunts the ones who shatter lives.
Let it go, let the music SURROUND you...
Let it go, let the rhythm OVERWHELM your being,
Take in the melody just one more time...
Forgive those who need forgiveness indeed.
Repair those who need repairing indeed.
If you let it the music will heal you, will calm you, will restore you.
Open your eyes through your ears,
See the world, with no more fears...
Take a chance, let the chorus preside in grand fashion
So you may know...
That silence doesn't always have to follow your broken heart like a police chase on the freeways of life.
That silence doesn't have to haunt you as you leave the pieces of your glass heart shattered on the floor.
Take a step into the sound, take a leap into the love of loud, RESOUND.
Trust yourself, and trust in the song.
Bold harmonies take away the tears
Trust.
Walk where the silence cannot follow. Live where the silence cannot haunt.
Take a step into the sound, take a leap into the love of loud, RESOUND!
Silence haunts the shattered lives...
Live in loudness cascading all around,
Teach the world to sing in all the storm.
Where would we be without a little song in our heart?
Where would you be without the loving embrace of chords in stereo?
Silence follows the ones who break hearts
Silence haunts the ones who shatter lives.
Let it go, let the music SURROUND you...
Let it go, let the rhythm OVERWHELM your being,
Take in the melody just one more time...
Forgive those who need forgiveness indeed.
Repair those who need repairing indeed.
If you let it the music will heal you, will calm you, will restore you.
Open your eyes through your ears,
See the world, with no more fears...
Take a chance, let the chorus preside in grand fashion
So you may know...
That silence doesn't always have to follow your broken heart like a police chase on the freeways of life.
That silence doesn't have to haunt you as you leave the pieces of your glass heart shattered on the floor.
Take a step into the sound, take a leap into the love of loud, RESOUND.
Trust yourself, and trust in the song.
Bold harmonies take away the tears
Trust.
Walk where the silence cannot follow. Live where the silence cannot haunt.
Take a step into the sound, take a leap into the love of loud, RESOUND!
Tuesday, September 1
Unbelievable You
You, with those nice leather shoes
You, with those beautiful baby blues
You cut me like you'll never know
With this pain, away I go...
Funny thing is, I'm sure I'm already alright...
I may be aching but I'm not running into the night...
You asked me why I tore down our castle in the sky
It's because I found out I wasn't the only queen in your life...
And now you're sad because you had it all
Now you're with nothing and nowhere to fall.
Creepin' round and round, you slide through the club
Bam, you like the way they hit, but all the do is leave you love drunk
And all I ever did was do my best to fill your cup...
You, with those beautiful baby blues
You cut me like you'll never know
With this pain, away I go...
Funny thing is, I'm sure I'm already alright...
I may be aching but I'm not running into the night...
You asked me why I tore down our castle in the sky
It's because I found out I wasn't the only queen in your life...
And now you're sad because you had it all
Now you're with nothing and nowhere to fall.
Creepin' round and round, you slide through the club
Bam, you like the way they hit, but all the do is leave you love drunk
And all I ever did was do my best to fill your cup...
Holy One (Adonai)
I feel Your fire, breathing in my lungs
I feel Your love, bleeding out my veins...
Praise Adonai, You give me life...
Thank You for saving my soul
Hold me close and never let me go
Give me strength through my days
Let the power of You never leave my veins
Even as I site here tired and weak
Continue to be the light that I seek
I feel Your grace, cascading from the Heavens
I feel Your beat, in the deepest part of my heart
Praise Adonai, You give me life...
Thank You for calling me Home
Hold me close and never let me go
Give me strength through my days
Let the power of You never leave my veins
Even as I site here tired and weak
Continue to be the light that I seek
Holy One, You live in me
Holy One, You set my heart free
Holy One, You live in me
Holy One, You let me see
Thank You, for saving my soul
That You, Adonai, for calling me Home
I feel Your love, bleeding out my veins...
Praise Adonai, You give me life...
Thank You for saving my soul
Hold me close and never let me go
Give me strength through my days
Let the power of You never leave my veins
Even as I site here tired and weak
Continue to be the light that I seek
I feel Your grace, cascading from the Heavens
I feel Your beat, in the deepest part of my heart
Praise Adonai, You give me life...
Thank You for calling me Home
Hold me close and never let me go
Give me strength through my days
Let the power of You never leave my veins
Even as I site here tired and weak
Continue to be the light that I seek
Holy One, You live in me
Holy One, You set my heart free
Holy One, You live in me
Holy One, You let me see
Thank You, for saving my soul
That You, Adonai, for calling me Home
Saturday, August 15
Overdrive
My mind is on overdrive
One look at You sets my soul on fire
I don't wanna hide
From Your love (I can't deny, I feel it)
My mind is on overdrive
Every breath I take magnifies desire
I don't wanna hide
From Your heart (I can't deny, I need it)
No matter what I do
I can't stop loving You
No matter what I say
Your arms are where I wanna stay
Here my feet stand planted
on the Rock that is Your love
Here my hands stay steady
on the words, sent from above
Your love sets me on overdrive (only)
Your love truly satisfies
Your love sets me on overdrive (only)
You love makes me come alive
One look at You sets my soul on fire
I don't wanna hide
From Your love (I can't deny, I feel it)
My mind is on overdrive
Every breath I take magnifies desire
I don't wanna hide
From Your heart (I can't deny, I need it)
No matter what I do
I can't stop loving You
No matter what I say
Your arms are where I wanna stay
Here my feet stand planted
on the Rock that is Your love
Here my hands stay steady
on the words, sent from above
Your love sets me on overdrive (only)
Your love truly satisfies
Your love sets me on overdrive (only)
You love makes me come alive
Friday, August 14
August Rush
So, it's August's midpoint. I feel awful that I haven't written in so long but my writing's have been totally for myself lately. Coming in and out of these phases is not easy. Because I feel like I should write to you, but I also feel like I need to honor my God. Not just when I feel like it, but all the time. Lately, I feel like in order to honor Him that I've needed to step back from everything that satisfies me to see what satisfies Him for my life. I started to really trust a new friend last night. Not just a little, a lot. He has been a very strong presence in my life. I'm putting my trust into him because I feel like he is putting his trust into me. It's pretty cool if you ask me. Anyways, that is what has been pulling me away from the screen. Honest, true, and authentic relationship community is what we all long for and with this new friend, I think I have found a missing part to my community.
Starbucks (Logo Transformed)
So, as I sit here I laugh at the days previous hilariousness. Yes, I was fortunate to get a front row seat to it too. I went out by myself, in a place I only knew existed because it's always an answer on the "Name the 50 State Capitals" quiz. I was in search of a familiar sign. One that is tattooed into the very fabric of American culture. More in depth, in the Pacific Northwest it comes like water, and are more frequent than stoplights almost. The Starbucks logo. It's become a stereotype because it's become expected that everyone is fully fluent in the language. In the venti, grande, breve, latte language...
Anyways, that's not what this is about, it's about how I went out in search of one of these sacred, especially in the Emerald City, cups and instead of the logo that has been emblazoned on my heart, all I saw was your face calling back to me. I need you in my life. I yearn for you in my life. I need all of you in my life. you absolutely, entirely, and totally complete me. I don't feel like me and my days are complete without you. They are so perilously long without you. I am so grateful for you. I love you, with my whole heart, and nothing less.
Anyways, that's not what this is about, it's about how I went out in search of one of these sacred, especially in the Emerald City, cups and instead of the logo that has been emblazoned on my heart, all I saw was your face calling back to me. I need you in my life. I yearn for you in my life. I need all of you in my life. you absolutely, entirely, and totally complete me. I don't feel like me and my days are complete without you. They are so perilously long without you. I am so grateful for you. I love you, with my whole heart, and nothing less.
While it was Raining...
While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, fears set aside.
I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...
---
Tonight, I was blessed with a sunset of a different kind. It had just finished storming, and through the clouds, just a thin layer of clouds separated me and a "perfect" sunset. Normally, I'd stare at awe of the color of this particular sunset, but this one captured me. It had a subtle meaning behind it that I'm glad I picked up on...
My storm isn't over. My trial isn't over. I'm just beginning. Now the real work begins. I have work to do. I have things to get done. Someone (a certain spiritual force, I'm lead to believe) doesn't want me to succeed. Yet, I will battle through. I will rise through the wind and create a bigger force than it can ever bring. I have the cross. I have my Jesus. I have my God. I have the spirit inside. I have the spirit of success. I believe in fighting for a dream and I believe that I'm finally tasting what a "test" feels like in this particular realm...
Anyways, back to the moral of this sunset, I found the meaning... No matter what is in the way of my Jesus. I can still see Him. Though Ge may not be as clear, or as present as I think He should be, He is definitely there, fighting for me, fighting for my success, fighting right beside me on my team. He plays offensive with me, He plays defense with me, He plays coach to me, He plays the Audience of One to cheer me on.
I know that there are so many clouds in my sky right now, but I know that this day's sunset has refreshed in my a new faith. A strong faith. A faith that sparks, sizzles, and is ready to set others on fire. Yes, normally I'd wait for the stubborn clouds to disappear, but I'm going to try something new. I'm going to fight through the clouds so I break the boundary of Earth and perhaps touch the very bottom of Heaven. At least get as close as I can.
---
While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, and embrace
I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, fears set aside.
I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...
---
Tonight, I was blessed with a sunset of a different kind. It had just finished storming, and through the clouds, just a thin layer of clouds separated me and a "perfect" sunset. Normally, I'd stare at awe of the color of this particular sunset, but this one captured me. It had a subtle meaning behind it that I'm glad I picked up on...
My storm isn't over. My trial isn't over. I'm just beginning. Now the real work begins. I have work to do. I have things to get done. Someone (a certain spiritual force, I'm lead to believe) doesn't want me to succeed. Yet, I will battle through. I will rise through the wind and create a bigger force than it can ever bring. I have the cross. I have my Jesus. I have my God. I have the spirit inside. I have the spirit of success. I believe in fighting for a dream and I believe that I'm finally tasting what a "test" feels like in this particular realm...
Anyways, back to the moral of this sunset, I found the meaning... No matter what is in the way of my Jesus. I can still see Him. Though Ge may not be as clear, or as present as I think He should be, He is definitely there, fighting for me, fighting for my success, fighting right beside me on my team. He plays offensive with me, He plays defense with me, He plays coach to me, He plays the Audience of One to cheer me on.
I know that there are so many clouds in my sky right now, but I know that this day's sunset has refreshed in my a new faith. A strong faith. A faith that sparks, sizzles, and is ready to set others on fire. Yes, normally I'd wait for the stubborn clouds to disappear, but I'm going to try something new. I'm going to fight through the clouds so I break the boundary of Earth and perhaps touch the very bottom of Heaven. At least get as close as I can.
---
While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, and embrace
I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...
Saturday, July 25
Purify My Heart [Blood of the Lamb]
Jason Upton's lyrics are blazing through my headphones right now... They go like this:
--
Not Ashamed
Jesus I long to be holy
Jesus I long to be real
In a world of broken people
So many need to be healed
Purify my hands to hold them
Purify my heart to burn with devotion
For You, Lord Jesus, for You
I’m not ashamed of Jesus
My Lord my Lover my Friend
The power to cleanse and redeem us
Is in the blood of the Lamb
Oh how the mighty have fallen
Buried in their filthy rags
Father please turn from your anger
My lips will boast of your ways
Cause, it’s all in the blood of the savior
It’s all in the love that you have for You’re son
And I believe, in Jesus, I believe
--
Over the last few days this song has hit me particularly hard. I haven't been affected by a song so deeply in forever. It's awesome to know that my emotional side is definitely coming back. I'm feeling again. Granted, some of the feelings I'm feeling are clearly unfortunate, I do believe that I'm feeling them because I need to come back to my Jesus. I've not been the best lately. Like, really. I've made the turn around, but yes, not the best. At this moment I feel so unworthy of God's love. At this moment, I feel like I don't deserve any of the gifts I've received. Yet, His grace is within me. To Him, I give my future. As long as it may last. I need to, I have to, I'm dying with out Him. Dying. I cling to Him. I should never have run.
--
Not Ashamed
Jesus I long to be holy
Jesus I long to be real
In a world of broken people
So many need to be healed
Purify my hands to hold them
Purify my heart to burn with devotion
For You, Lord Jesus, for You
I’m not ashamed of Jesus
My Lord my Lover my Friend
The power to cleanse and redeem us
Is in the blood of the Lamb
Oh how the mighty have fallen
Buried in their filthy rags
Father please turn from your anger
My lips will boast of your ways
Cause, it’s all in the blood of the savior
It’s all in the love that you have for You’re son
And I believe, in Jesus, I believe
--
Over the last few days this song has hit me particularly hard. I haven't been affected by a song so deeply in forever. It's awesome to know that my emotional side is definitely coming back. I'm feeling again. Granted, some of the feelings I'm feeling are clearly unfortunate, I do believe that I'm feeling them because I need to come back to my Jesus. I've not been the best lately. Like, really. I've made the turn around, but yes, not the best. At this moment I feel so unworthy of God's love. At this moment, I feel like I don't deserve any of the gifts I've received. Yet, His grace is within me. To Him, I give my future. As long as it may last. I need to, I have to, I'm dying with out Him. Dying. I cling to Him. I should never have run.
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